- when i was younger 5th to 6th grade, to be exact, my mom and i would listen to her cd's pretty loud in the morning while we got ready. the cd's we had in rotation were her mowtown, mary wells and diana ross compelations, blues travelers, mary j. bliege and TLC (crazy.sexy.cool album)
- she had her morning routine down. she'd get up, pee, make her coffee, smoke, take a shower, blow dry her hair, put rollers in her hair, watch Good Day LA with Jillian Barbarie, Steve Edwards, and Dorothy Lucy while applying her make up, paint her toe nails (according to the color she was wearing), sometimes make breakfast, take her meds and then smoke again as she was walking out the house
- before she would walk in the house (after work) after being dropped off or picked up she would sweep our walk-way
- she would have friends that traveled buy her coffee mugs ( a tradition i now carry on)
- every now and then, late at night, she would ask me to make her an over easy egg sandwich with mayo
- one night i awoke to the sounds of my mom crying, i got out of bed and walked over to her bedroom to hear more clearly, after i confirmed what i was hearing i walked back to my room, laid in bed and cried to myself
so today makes four years since my mom passed away and i am a mess mentally. i am lost in nostalgia. i work at focusing my mind on the present and the future because when i take a mental time machine to the past i can get caught in a washer machine of sadness, longing and regret. it's fortunate for me i know that that's not healthy so like i said, i try to focus on the present and the future. what kills me is my sense of family. she was the only constant person in my life until she moved out and decided to live her life free from all past responsibilities. i feel that her past baggage, me included made her too sad. i was a reminder of her good and sadness. emotions she was not able to accept and deal with. though that seems harsh, i do believe it was reality. i miss her sooo much. i miss my family. she was my family, she was the one i spent all my holidays with, attended my performances and graduations, made me feel unconditionally loved. i long for a family and look very forward to starting my own with roland. i promise to make my children feel the way my mom always made me feel, LOVED and wanted. i would always over hear my mom talking about me with such pride and when i would meet people that she had talked about me to, they would always complement me. she was my biggest supporter. i am truly blessed to have had her in my life as long as i did. she gave me enough love, confidence and drive to accomplish my goals. i love you mommy.
